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Bodymore, Murdaland
“Philadelphia can keep its broken bell and its cheese steak, but Poe’s body isn’t going anywhere,” said Jeff Jerome, curator of the Poe House in Baltimore.
According to the New York Times, a small contingent of idiots in Illadelphia, Pennsylvania insist that the cherished remains of Edgar Allen Poe, who lived, married, worked, and died in Baltimore, Maryland should be unearthed and transported to their insignificant town, best known for cheese steaks and fat people.
A debate between venerated Baltimore scholar, Jeff Jerome, and windbag Philadelphia dunce, Edward Petitt is scheduled for January 13, but this battle of wits is already shaping up to be a no contest.
The crux of Petitt’s ill-formed argument is that Poe’s macabre writing was inspired by his city’s rampant depravity, but Jerome notes that Poe wrote his first horror story, “Berenice” while living in Baltimore.
Jeff Jerome, coolly preparing his argument from his office on Amity St
The Anonymous Poe Toaster, who tipped the NY Times on to this developing story, had this to say about Petitt’s flawed logic, “I once saw Baumer eat a 2-year-old hot dog at Pat’s, does that mean he should start rooting for the Iggles?”
A mild-mannered intellectual like so many of his Baltimore brethren, Mr. Jerome is nevertheless willing to defend Poe’s Charm City honor by any means necessary.
“I will argue the other guy down with grace and facts,” Mr. Jerome said. “Then I will walk over to him like a gentleman and punch him square in the nose.”
Wikipedia reports that the Triumvirate will be convening in Illdelphia, PA this weekend to hammer out the 139 NFL Pick ‘Em Spectacular Constitution, v3.0. It’s worth noting that one particularly limp-wristed member of the Triumvirate, shown below sporting his traditional shit-eating grin and stuffed antlers, will be telecommuting to the Illadelphia Convention, and thus his influence will be severely compromised, much like his manhood.
Artist's Rendering of the framing of the 139th NFL Pick 'Em Spectacular Constitution v3.0
Stay tuned to this space for more details on this historic event.
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