Almost Midseason Awards (And Week 9 Games)

In what may be an annual tradition, the Anonymous Poe Toaster has decided to check in with his Almost Midseason Awards Section.

As midseason is upon us, questions abound.  Who may be the best team in football according to Peter King, maybe?  Is Lardarius Webb really too fast for his head to keep up with his body?  How much more film could Ed Reed possibly watch?  Is the Bronco Bubble finally starting to rear it’s ugly head?  Will the New York Football Giants be the next shoe to drop?

William “Bunk” Moreland Award for Dedicated Service.  Joe.  One of these years the APT will win the pool.  He tried moving in with his girlfriend and dedicating himself to daytime ESPN, but the results remain the same.  At the end of the day I think Bunk Moreland would say he was happier just being murder police than if he had ever become one of the bosses.  Runners Up:  The lone waitress at Final Final and the inanimate steel wire which holds together the Golden Gate Bridge.

 

 

 

At least Bunk is five and half years from a pension.

 

Ken Lewis Award.  Bruister.  For dedicated service to the Bank in helping them dispose of Countrywide assets; and for eschewing the $67,000 latrine for a $6.70 cabo chicken sandwich with free chips and a drink.  Runner Up:  Gault, for buying that beautiful damn latrine at the Sotheby’s auction with his father in law’s money.

The Grady Sizemore Award for Multi-Culturalism. Damo, for emigrating from Australia to learn about square “feet” and football.  Damo is the only guy in this pool who can accurately determine whether it’s a good decison to go for it on 4th and centimeters.  Runner Up:  Billy Bitter.

The NFL Rules Committee Five Yard Illegal Contact and Automatic First Down Award for Questionableness.  McKinley, for texting in his week 2 picks by saying only “give me all of the favorites” and then not picking in weeks 4-??  Runner Up:  Gault.  No one knows where they stand in this pool. We expected questionable math, slow response times and sloppiness, but he has underperformed even the lowest expectations.

The Gloria Vanderbilt Award for Graciousness. Caucasian Ray Lewis.  For hosting key wins against San Diego and Denver.  Well played.  Everyone was overserved, the AFC West was exposed for what it is, and for a brief moment all was good in the world.  Runner Up:  Betty Draper.

 

 

 

She's better to look at than White Ray, but his TV is way, way bigger.

 

Bill Gates Award for Microsoft Proficiency.  Big Red — Final Final patron, Cowboy Fan, Wireless Technology Connoisseur. For attempting to crank up his laptop at the bar for some live gambling week 1 through a dedicated combination of index finger keyboard strikes and puzzled wincing.  And then for calling Bodog (probably from the rotary bar phone) to lock in the half-time line of Ravens-Chiefs once he realized reports of this new technological frontier without wires were vastly overstated.  Runner Up:  Victor Ramos, our on-site IBM guy, for asking about the last time I deleted my cookies upon hearing that my hard drive crashed irreparably.  Seriously, Victor, do you think the APT, co-owner of a powerful blogging enterprise and morbid poetry enthusiast, doesn’t keep his cookies in order?

The Darrius Heyward-Bey Award for Auspicious Use of 4.3 Seconds.  Guv.  This guy instinctively takes the Ravens for 8 to 10 points every week, and that kind of dedication usually results in a big late season finish.  Runner Up:  Uncle Ray, for shooting the gap.  It’s crazy how much film he watches, man.

Now, the games.

Bal at Cincy

KC at Jax

GB at Tampa Bay

Miami at NE

Houston at Indy

AZ at Chi

Tenn at SF

SD at NYG

Dallas at Philly

Pitt at Denver

-Anon. Poe Toaster

There’s a new England? Week 4, Yerp!

In keeping with the ever-growing anticipation of the Hardly Strictly Bluecrab Festival, The Anonymous Poe Toaster has decided to enamor you with a new song to the tune of Steve Earle’s Guitar Town.

Note:  Mr. Earle and the Bluegrass Dukes will be on the Banjo stage starting at 6:45 PM on Saturday in GGP.

Blue Crab Town

Hey Lombardi are you ready for me?
It’s your big swingin’ backer up from Russell Street
I’m just out of Boston bound for Brady’s home
With the radio blastin’ and the skull cap on

There’s a speed trap up ahead in Steeler town
But no gimpy blockers gonna slow me down
Cam and the boys got this rig unwound
And we’ve come a thousand miles from a blue crab town

Everybody told me you can’t get far
With thirty-seven cousins and an Eastern Motors car
Now I’m rollin’ into Canton with the hammer down
Left a trail of broken runners in the blue crab town

Gotta keep hittin’ while I still can
Payin’ off two baby mamas and a restaurant scam
But when my cleats hit the turf I’m a brand new man
Line me up at running back, cagey Cam!

Hey Lombardi we’ll see you at Landshark
Brett Favre’s vision will suddenly go dark
One of these days I’m gonna settle down
And take you back with me to the blue crab town

Footage from last year's festival indicates that sipping warm Tecate is an appropriate answer to outward displays of wedded bliss by Pick'em champions

The games?

Oak @ Hou

Ten @ Jax

Bal @ NE

Cin @ Cle

TB @ Was

Jets @ NO

Buf @ Mia

Dal @ Den

SD @ Pit

GB @ Min

Hardly Strictly Week 3

The Anonymous Poe Toaster checks in with a week 3 jingle, to the tune of “L.A. Freeway”

Pack up all your run plays, make note of ol’ Hal-oh-teh

Say goodbye to Brady for me, those Popeye arms don’t scare Twen-ty

Throw out that ol’ Plain Dealer, Browns been gone for fourteen years now

Adios to Man-gini, this ain’t no A.F.C. East cupcake

 

If we could just get out o’ that Browns game without gettin’ what they got

We’ll be Three and Oh for a trip . . . to Kraft’s big ol’ mall . . .

If we could just get out o’ that Browns game without gettin’ stabbed or shot

Up to see the GQ Quarterback . . . and why not buy some slacks?

 

Week 3 Games

Tenn at Jets
Browns at Balty
Broncos at Raiders
GMen at Bucs
Steelers at Bengals
Jags at Texans
Atlanta at NE
Chi at Seattle
Sunday Night Hangover Football:  Colts at Cards
Monday Night Sadness Football:  Carolina at Dallas

-Mayor Luke Ravenstahl

Crab Cakes and Football

In honor of the ever-enlightening Peter King from SI, here are Ten Things to keep in mind for the upcoming season:

1. Thomas Wolfe originally called his masterpiece “Look Homeward for Underdogs in Division Games,” but meddlesome editors shortened the title to “Look Homeward, Angel.”

2. Never question the play calling of crafty, cagey, canny Cam “Cam” Cameron of the Ravens. When Cam was introduced on this site last year even we did not predict he would lead the Boller/Smith/Flacco trio to the AFC championship. Note: we sometimes favor Baltimore-based sports teams but very rarely overestimate their potential, as evidenced by last year’s results.

3. The Baltimore Orioles recently drafted Joe Flacco’s brother, Mike, in the highly anticipated annual June MLB draft, round 31. He has made the unprecedented leap from Catonsville Community College to the Rookie level Bluefield Orioles (W.Va). If all goes according to plan with assumed annual promotions to Aberdeen, Salisbury, Frederick, Bowie and Norfolk, Mike will debuting at first base for the O’s on Opening Day 2015. The Flaccos are perhaps the most heralded brother-brother combo in the Baltimore area since Bam Morris and his half-brother Ron. Ron was of course a little-known pot dealer operating in and around the Owings Mills Blimpie and erstwhile Reisterstown Road Boston Chicken while his brother starred for the throwback logo all purple Ravens.

4. We select 10 games per week, per the commissioner’s guidance. We rank said games with 1 to 10 points (10 being the surest bet of the weekly slate) for a maximum total of 55 points per week. A perfect week is impossible, so there is no reward persay. If you do get one McKinley will mail you an unspecified number of CA state scratchers. As I said, no reward.

5. The name New Old Gault refers to the fact that our good buddy Gault went from Wall St to High School Math Teacher back to the exact same job on Wall St after one year and a forty percent drop in the Dow. To our knowledge this is the first such successful Wall Street to Education to Wall St career head fake spanning a massive recession in the history of this pool. The girls of Greenwich Academy will miss you, Gault. Take note of this development as I’m sure Joe will make several obscure references to it throughout the season.  Old Gault is back for one god damn specific reason: to fuck us good.

6. This year’s commissioner and co-blogger calls himself Joe Rosenbaum. He can be reached at his home office 24 hours a day with any football-related questions or IT complaints. Due to budget cutbacks we will be gathering for games in Golden Gate Park this year with a battery operated radio instead of the customary beers and wings at Jones Family Feedbag or the Final Final.

7. Please remit a check for $60 to our trustworthy East Port Chester, New York based banker/treasurer, Gault. Though we have been friendly to delinquents in the past, that all ended last year with the onset of the recession and Gault’s first gray hair, hence the new invitees. The ghosts (and worthless IOUs) of Coley, Zuck and PJ will forever haunt this pool and those who have won it.

Gault has matured quite a bit since graduating from college in 2003.

8. Cheating is not encouraged, but sometimes “you’ve got to, this is America, man.”

9. The person with the most points at the end of the year wins. As in the Wire, favors can be counted in lieu of actual points.

10. The scheduling gods have finally decided to shine some light (or dank, depending on your point of view) on the Bay Area. The Maryland Terps open in Berkeley, and the Ravens close out the regular season at the Black Hole. I assume all of you will make every effort to attend these highly anticipated events at a couple of truly world class venues in the East Bay. I have already purchased a block of 8 seats for the Terps game, and there appears to be some level of commitment to take down a section (and perhaps a reserved VIP pissing trough) at the Coliseum. Given my rather small stature, obvious lack of a concealed weapon and general aversion to the Bay Bridge and everything on the other side of it, I might feign illness and quietly watch Ravens/Raiders at home, though. Details are forthcoming.

Just Another Brick in the Wall

For those who didn’t know, Hammer won the prestigious pigskin pick’em pool, becoming the 5th straight Dartmouth alum to claim the top prize in the 5 year history of this pool.  In fairness, year 1 was basically Gault and BA picking against one another with some occasional collusion from Joe and snide remarks from Zuck.  A check for $840 has been sent directly to New Orleans c/o Harrah’s Corporation per a separate written agreement with the collection agency handling the dissolution of Hammer’s assets following the Federal Reserve’s takeover of his job, mortgage and marriage to Katie.  Another decisive move by good ‘ole Hank “The Other Hammer” Paulson.  

 

Sam Adams breaks through the gap like Bruister at an open bar.

Stay tuned for updates on next year’s pool.  The rules committee is meeting in Vermont over Super Bowl weekend to review several possible rule changes for next year.  Items that will be addressed include:

1.  A possible firm deadline for all picks (except thursday and saturday games) of 1:00 EST Sunday to avoid late season flip flopping forced by current rules and open blog format.

2.  A review of instant replay in the NFL following the Santonio Holmes catch.

3.  A draconian $10 assessment to mopes every week they don’t get their picks in.

4.  A formal written ban on watching games at Jones Family Feedbag at Scott and Lombard.

5.  A ban on future trips to Vermont in the Winter.  Why can’t the rules committee meet in Cabo?

6.  A name change from “NBC’s Football Night in America” to “National Broadcast Network’s National Football League Night in the United States of America” and the immediate firing of both Peter King and Keith Olberman in favor of Gregg Easterbrook and Boone Pickens.

 

Ed Reed's patented "bread in the oven" return.

Week 17 Games

1:00 Not Captivating Enough to be Flexed Football

NE @ Buf

Ten @ Ind

Car @ NO

Chi @ Hou

NYG @ Min

4:00 At Least One Team is Trying in Most Cases Football

Jax @ Balty

Miami @ NYJ

Dal @ Philly

Was @ SF (The Arm & Hammer Middle of the First Round Draft Positioning Bowl)

8:15 Hochuli’s Revenge Football

Denver @ San Diego

Week 16 Standings, v.Hawaii 5.0

December 22, 2008

San Francisco, CA

T. Boone Pick’em and Anonyross traded Blog Hits to a virtual draw all afternoon as such disappointments as the New York Jets and Denver Broncos honed their mediocre crafts on fields across the land.  This battle reminds the APT of a late night game of gin rummy near the shores of the Wainiha River.  Ricky Ross has the decided edge going into Monday Night with one week to play.  In Week 17 the games get more predictable and the beers go down easier with each Le’ron McClain first down against the once mighty Jags.  Boone Pick’em deserves his ultimate fate for failing to have faith in the Ravens on Saturday Night Mastered and in High Definition Football.  The post-game show on NFLN was truly inspiring, but next time Jerry Jones decides to throw a going away party, he should probably petition the league to schedule the Lions.

Before we get to the updated standings, enjoy these photos from the Kalalau Trail.  This is the last photographic evidence of Ricky Ross and the Anonymous Poe Toaster vying for the pinnacle of lifetime achievement in the field of excellence.

The Na Pali coast of Kauai has inspired many generations of native Hawaiians and Pick'em particpants alike.

Ricky Ross and the APT, shown here, point toward the fabled Bali Hai, Hawaiian for "Pick'em Superiority."

The APT hikes in his traditional Ravens camo bandana while Ricky assumes the customary Hawaiian picking position.

 

Hammer  621 (33)

BA 611 (28)

Dix 592 (28)

Ray 592 (28)

Baum 546 (29)

Heri 541 (37)

Guv 539 (6)

Dubes 515 (20)

G 484 (33)

Sam 428 (26)

Week 16 Standings & Games

As the Ravens embark on a trip to Texas Stadium, we can only hope that a noble spirit will embiggen the team.  That same noble spirit has unfortunately left this pool simultaneously reeling and looking forward to Super Bowl weekend, when the Triumvirate will meet in Vermont to amend the Constitution between visits to the luge track which rises from the town of Stowe (aka Mount Mansfield).

Stowe, shown here, was voted top Bachelor Party destination by Whig's Health Magazine in both in 1833 and 1835.

 

Hammer 589 (31)

BA 583 (46)

Dix 564 (46)

Ray 564 (41)

Guvnah 533 (33)

Baum 517 (38)

Heri 504 (27)

Dubes 495 (33)

G 451 (36)

Sam 402 (33)

 

And the games . . .

Fourth Night of the Rest of Baum’s Life Football

Indy @ Jax

Saturday Night Mastered and in High Definition Football

Balt @ Dal

Sunday

Cincy @ Cle

Pit @ Tenny

Ari @ NE

NYJ @ Sea

Buf @ Den

Atl @ Minny

National Football League Night in the United States of America

Car @ NYG

Regrettable Preseason-Hype-Based Scheduling Football

GB @ Chi

CompuCoach’s Canny Calculations, Week 15 Picks

Hammer 558 (49), BA 537 (48), Ray 523 (45), Dix 518 (47), Guv 500 (42), Baum 479 (26), Heri 477 (40), Dubes 462 (42), G 415 (11), CompuBru 384 (0), Sam 369 (50)

The original CumpuCoach, Brian Billick, shown here during his appearance on the acclaimed "Match Game"

Thursday Night Football:

New Orleans vs Old Orton’s Bears

Baum’s Birthday Football:

TB at Atl

Buff at Jets

SEA at STL

SF at MIA

GB at JAX

Pitt at Baltimore

NYG at DAL

Min at Arizona

Second Night of the Rest of My Life Football

Cleveland at Illadelphia

T. Boone Pickem’s Weekly Alternative Power Rankings

I encourage you to take a mere 72 minutes to hear Mr. Pickem’s energy plan (also called The Pick’em Plan, amended and restated as an addendum to the 139th Pick’em Spectacular Constitution) on the always energy efficient Youtube, below.

Mr. Pickem was unable to provide further comment because he is still involved in a conversation spanning multiple days with Brent Musburger regarding the improper reference to Boone T. Pickem during the Dust Bowl game this past weekend.  Seriously, Brent, what self-respecting oilman would go by his first name?

For those who don’t have 72 minutes to spare (blasphemy!) but want to hear Brent’s take on the Berkeley Tree Sitters spanning a cool 3:22, see below.  According to Brent, 3 trees for 1 is a very good deal if you’re a tree hugger!  The APT wishes he could find cognac or sherry at 3 for 1, and he isn’t even a registered tree hugger!  Would the Guv accept 3 trees for 1 if Dan made that kind of sweet offer?

Hammer 509 (46)

BA 489 (29)

Ray 478 (34)

Dix 471 (33)

Guv 458 (42)

Baum 453 (25)

Heri 437 (25)

Dubes 420 (33)

G 404 (22)

Brew 384 (0)

Sam 319 (26)