As is custumary this time of year, the APT is dreaming of a white Christmas.  This year’s playoff contenders have a bit more on their wish lists, however.  As we burn the midnight oil here at Pick’em headquarters on the shortest day of the year, the Triumvirate brings you some advanced hyper-statistical projections on playoff seedings as well as some unbiased holiday commentary on the teams you will likely see lining up on the home field of a woefully undeserving division champ near you come Wild Card Weekend.

AFC

1.  New England.  Jimmy Buffett advises “If you ever get a chance to go to Dallas, pass it by.”  The Pats will heed this advice with another epic home field collapse at the hands of Ray Rice.

2.  Pittsburgh.  The Steelers get the bye thanks to an arcane tie-breaker rule which dictates that home field advantage goes to the ugliest quarterback.

3.  San Diego.  The Super Chargers find their way into the playoffs via some back door chicanery and wake up wondering where the hell they are.  The same scenario has played itself out countless times on the campus of San Diego State.

4.  Indianapolis.  Many people in Baltimore believe that Peyton Manning owns the Ravens, but it turns out he just owns a tasteful Ravens hat.

5.  Baltimore.  The rightful AFC North Champs settle for the underdog role in January.  Thankfully, consecutive victories over Indy, New England and Pittsburgh on the road seem as certain as another year of anonymous Poe toasting.

6.  New York.  Rex Ryan’s charges take a trip to San Diego before catching the early flight home only to find Bill Belichick sleeping with their playbook on his bye week. 

Sorry, Peyton, we're wacko for Flacco

 

NFC

1.  Atlanta.  The APT predicts these playoff neophytes will limp into the postseason after resting their starters week 17.  Tread carefully, whoever it is that coaches this team.

2.  Chicago.  The Bears looked impressive against a forty-something year-old guy who had just relapsed on his painkiller addiction and couldn’t lift his right arm without wincing like Wade Phillips.  That bodes well for a solid regular season finish against the likes of Mark Sanchez.

3.  Philadelphia.  This team is fun to watch, but beating neighboring New Jersey three times will simply not happen.

4.  Seattle.  News of ratings disaster spreads as Americans plan to boycott the NFC West champ home field game.  Pete Carroll responds by issuing iPads and full scholarships to several middle schoolers and getting them onto the playoff roster to boost excitement for the program.

5.  New Orleans.  The Fleur-de-lis will match up with division rival Atlanta in the best NFC championship game since the Giants beat the Vikings 41-0 ten years ago.  Note:  The APT likens the NFC Championship game to a warm Fresca.

6.  New York.  A pair of six seeds for the Jersey boys.  Both will make a lot of early noise before unceremonious exits, just like their obnoxious fans. 

As for the Saints and Ravens, we’ll see you in Dallas for the John McDonogh Classic v2.0!  Roger Staubach has already started running through some clever marketing slogans to attract unsuspecting tourists to the Dallas/Forth Worth area.  My favorite:  “Less Murders Than New Orleans and Baltimore!”

Oh, and week 16, as if this thing isn’t already over:

Det @ Mia

SF @ StL

Sea @ TB

NYJ @ Chi

Bal @ Cle

Ten @ KC

Indy @ Oak

Hou @ Den

NYG @ GB

NO @ Atl

Advertisement