Week 17: And Then There Were Three, Duh-ha, Duh-ha

“Ricky”

 

Get a grip, Coach Finn.

Yeah, this album is dedicated to all the coaches that told me

I’d never play D1 or nothin’, to all the people that lived down the street

In Wilton where I was throwing off the wall day and night

Who called the police on me when I was just tryin’ to get into college to feed my family,

And the players in the struggle, you know what I’m sayin’?

Uh-ha, it’s all good baby bay-bee, uh

It was all a dream

I used to read Inside Lax magazine

Long trips down to 205 in a Cherokee

Hangin’ pictures on my wall

Every Saturday, Gary Gait, Marley Marl

I let my stick rock ‘til my stick popped

Stringin’ my own wand, sippin’ on private stock

Way back, when I had the blue and white sweatpants

With the hat to match

Remember dodgin’ Zuck, duh-ha, duh-ha

You never thought that stoppin’ shots would take it this far

Now I’m in the limelight ‘cuz I lax tight

Time to get paid, trade stocks all day

Born sinner, the opposite of a winner

Remember when I used to eat saltines for dinner

Peace to BA, Joey R, Bradley

White Ray, B Dubbs, Matty and MC

I’m blowin’ up like you thought I would

Call the crib, same number, same hood

It’s all good

Uh, and if you don’t know, now you know, uh huh

[chorus, skip a stanza, chorus]

Sony Playstation, econometric analysis

When I was just a laxhead I couldn’t picture this

Fifteen inch screen, money green Reebok uniform

Got a ride to practice, Cherokee in a snow storm

Theta Delt bills about two Gs flat

No need to worry Barb and Bob handle that

And my whole crew is loungin’

Celebratin’ every day, no more student housin’

Thinkin’ back on my one room dorm

Now I got bitches fillin’ out SEC forms

Sam loves to show me off of course

Smiles every time I do the yard work

We used to fuss when Jerry Rich dissed us

No heat, wonder why math class missed us

Two-a-days was the worst days

Now we sip Yuengling when we thirs-tay

Um, damn right I like the life I lead

‘Cause I went from Wilton to Big Green

And it’s all . . .

It’s all good.

Games:

Oak @ KC

Jac @ Hou

Pitt @ Cle

Min @ Det

NYG @ Was

Chi @ GB

Buf @ NYJ

Ari @ SF

SD @ Den

StL @ Sea

Week 16: Just Like the Ones I Used to Know

As is custumary this time of year, the APT is dreaming of a white Christmas.  This year’s playoff contenders have a bit more on their wish lists, however.  As we burn the midnight oil here at Pick’em headquarters on the shortest day of the year, the Triumvirate brings you some advanced hyper-statistical projections on playoff seedings as well as some unbiased holiday commentary on the teams you will likely see lining up on the home field of a woefully undeserving division champ near you come Wild Card Weekend.

AFC

1.  New England.  Jimmy Buffett advises “If you ever get a chance to go to Dallas, pass it by.”  The Pats will heed this advice with another epic home field collapse at the hands of Ray Rice.

2.  Pittsburgh.  The Steelers get the bye thanks to an arcane tie-breaker rule which dictates that home field advantage goes to the ugliest quarterback.

3.  San Diego.  The Super Chargers find their way into the playoffs via some back door chicanery and wake up wondering where the hell they are.  The same scenario has played itself out countless times on the campus of San Diego State.

4.  Indianapolis.  Many people in Baltimore believe that Peyton Manning owns the Ravens, but it turns out he just owns a tasteful Ravens hat.

5.  Baltimore.  The rightful AFC North Champs settle for the underdog role in January.  Thankfully, consecutive victories over Indy, New England and Pittsburgh on the road seem as certain as another year of anonymous Poe toasting.

6.  New York.  Rex Ryan’s charges take a trip to San Diego before catching the early flight home only to find Bill Belichick sleeping with their playbook on his bye week. 

Sorry, Peyton, we're wacko for Flacco

 

NFC

1.  Atlanta.  The APT predicts these playoff neophytes will limp into the postseason after resting their starters week 17.  Tread carefully, whoever it is that coaches this team.

2.  Chicago.  The Bears looked impressive against a forty-something year-old guy who had just relapsed on his painkiller addiction and couldn’t lift his right arm without wincing like Wade Phillips.  That bodes well for a solid regular season finish against the likes of Mark Sanchez.

3.  Philadelphia.  This team is fun to watch, but beating neighboring New Jersey three times will simply not happen.

4.  Seattle.  News of ratings disaster spreads as Americans plan to boycott the NFC West champ home field game.  Pete Carroll responds by issuing iPads and full scholarships to several middle schoolers and getting them onto the playoff roster to boost excitement for the program.

5.  New Orleans.  The Fleur-de-lis will match up with division rival Atlanta in the best NFC championship game since the Giants beat the Vikings 41-0 ten years ago.  Note:  The APT likens the NFC Championship game to a warm Fresca.

6.  New York.  A pair of six seeds for the Jersey boys.  Both will make a lot of early noise before unceremonious exits, just like their obnoxious fans. 

As for the Saints and Ravens, we’ll see you in Dallas for the John McDonogh Classic v2.0!  Roger Staubach has already started running through some clever marketing slogans to attract unsuspecting tourists to the Dallas/Forth Worth area.  My favorite:  “Less Murders Than New Orleans and Baltimore!”

Oh, and week 16, as if this thing isn’t already over:

Det @ Mia

SF @ StL

Sea @ TB

NYJ @ Chi

Bal @ Cle

Ten @ KC

Indy @ Oak

Hou @ Den

NYG @ GB

NO @ Atl

Week 15: A Tale of Two Cities and One Miserly Philanthropist

When the Ravens and Saints face off on Sunday for the quadrennial John McDonogh Classic, people from Pontchartrain to Owings Mills will celebrate not only a classic pigskin match between recent* Super Bowl champions, but also the man Wikipedia describes as “miserly, controversial and eccentric.”  If old J McD were around for the pregame talk, he probably would have told Ray Lewis and the boys “be the best of whatever you are” or “I don’t care what you do with the money as long as you celebrate my life outdoors on one god-awful hot and humid day each year,” but that’s neither here nor there.

The APT has it on good authority that this battle will resemble the McDonogh-Gilman match of 1927, when the Cadets** broke a string of painful defeats to the oversized, undereducated city boys from Northern Parkway.  The official archives describe it thusly:

The year was 1914, the date October 12 and McDonogh opposed Gilman in football for the first time. We lost 35 to 0; it was not an auspicious beginning. Our boys were outweighed 148 pounds to 133 pounds. With the exception of 1916 (unable to get it scheduled) and 1918 (due to the Spanish Flu), the contest has been yearly. McDonogh was unable to win for many years. Our luck changed in 1927. After thirteen defeats in a row, McDonogh finally won their first game against Gilman 6 to 0.

The beefy Greyhounds were no match for Chas Chasingston and the Cadets in '27.

It may be of interest to some that the Ravens petitioned the league to hold this year’s Classic at John McDonogh Stadium in a bit of a nod to the incredible man who provides perhaps the only link between these two great cities.  The league office seriously considered but ultimately declined the proposal because of fears that such a venue might inspire Saturday night high school style pep rallies which would literally burn both New Orleans and Baltimore to the ground (or at a minimum cover both cities in toilet paper).  They also noted parking concerns and a lack of luxury boxes.  Miserly bastards.

*For the purposes of this blog, any milestone or event which occurred after the Triumvirate graduated from high school qualifies as recent.

**For non McDonogh history buffs:  the school’s mascot changed from the Cadet to the Eagle in 1971 after a major push by the Administration to increase the enrollment of pot-smoking hippies and other assorted liberals.

Now the games:

KC @ StL

Hou @ Ten

Jac @ Indy

Cle @ Cin

Buf @ Mia

Phi @ NYG

McDonogh Senior High School #7 @ McDonogh

AtL @ Sea

NYJ @ Pit

Chi @ Min

Week 7: Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis…

when I was dead broke, man, I couldn’t picture this…

-Biggie Smalls

Ahh, how far we’ve come! In the six score and nineteen years since its founding, the Pick ‘Em Spectacular has made incredible progress towards its stated goals of peace for all nations and the abolition of Fallacy Football. Now that Yahoo Sports has gone out of business* and the war is over**, the APT would like to briefly Toast himself Anonymously.

* I assume

** ditto. I can’t afford a newspaper to verify, however.

The esteemed membership of the Spectacular has been no less successful. Consider the Zuck, who just a few short years ago was just another drunk Upper East Sider running around the reservoir on a bet wearing a pair of too-tight Diesel Jeans. Last year, he finished the NYC Marathon. And three cheers for PrimmShady, who used to sell used real estate but now sips Champagne with PDiddy when he thirsty. Seriously, check this shit out: GTM. Amazing.

Honorary pickers David Simon and Omar have also seen their stars rise in conjunction with their involvement in the Spectacular. Simon, the one-time C-student at U of Maryland and dead-broke English teacher, is now officially recognized as a genius. Be sure to address him correctly in conversation.

And Omar? Omar. Let’s just say he believes in resurrection:

Before...

...and After

So fear not, pickers in the bottom half! If your ship is is idling a few yards offshore, steadfastly refusing to come in, stay the course. You, too, can turn it around.

On to the games!

Week 4: Next Wealth Man Up

When John Feinstein sat down to pen his masterpiece Next Vice President of Wealth Management Up chronicling the week to week adventures of a cast of financial advisors in New York City who were faced with the prospect of a promising young stock slinger leaving the ranks to teach math at all girls private school, meddlesome publishers forced him to change the title to Next Man Up and shift his focus to, as Goodreads puts it, “lifting the shroud of secrecy that envelops the NFL to give us the most intimate look we have ever had into the workings of a professional football team.”  That team, of course, was the vaunted 2004 Baltimore Ravens led by Kyle Prejean.  Many years have passed and Feinstein frequently calls the APT to check in on how the Triumvirate is doing, including frequent questions about that very Wealth Manager who inspired the original book.  It may be of interest to some in this pool that Feinstein stopped checking on Prejean two years ago because he was very inconsistent completing short to intermediate phone calls.

In the spirit of Next Man Up, the modern day Ravens and Steelers face the prospect of a showdown where Roethlisberger and Rice will be replaced with a Batch of Parmele.  This should not detract from the excitement at Heinz Field, as the usual cast of Neanderthals and other Pleistocene specimen will be on hand to cheer on their beloved Steel Men.  The Pittsburgh lot has had exciting decade, as they’ve just started to experiment with tools and fire.

Mopery and groping aside, the Anonymous Poe Toaster presents Week 4:

Wash @ Philly

Bal @ Pit

Cin @ Cle

Den @ Tenny

SF @ ATL

Sea @ StL

NJJ @ Buf

Hou @ Oakster

Sunday Night from the New Land of Meadows

Chi @ NJG

Monday Night from somewhere in the bottom half of Florida

NE @ Mia

Week 3: The Mystery of the Shake Face

Where did it originate?

Gangsta?

Week 2: The Disadvantages of an Ivy League Education

I’m gonna take a short detour from the regularly scheduled programming this week to offer up an insightful little article that was sent my way this week. The article, “The Disadvantages of an Elite Education”, makes a solid case that, yes, every person you know who went to a good school is a douchebag unable to hold a simple conversation with a “regular human being”, but it’s not entirely their fault:

"So alien was his experience to me, so unguessable his values, so mysterious his very language, that I couldn’t succeed in engaging him in a few minutes of small talk..."

But, even though the evidence is anecdotal and the argument has more has more holes than the gnomes’ business plan, it is an interesting read. For instance, Professor Deresiewicz, himself a Yalie, correctly predicts both Primmy’s use of “oh, in Boston” as a answer to the senior-year inquiry into his college of choice, as well as Mr. G’s quick return to life as Mike Gawful, VP of Advising Me Not to Buy CRM Stock When it was at $26.

Read on you really excellent sheep…

Week 1: The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

They say a journey of ten billion miles begins with a single step. In the growing mythology of the 139th NFL Pick ‘Em Spectacular, that single step was taken by one Bernan Patrick Adams, down into the basement of Theta Delt a decade ago. I like to think Bernan brought with him a little bit of the McDonogh School ( in the form of a terrible haircut and a GBWG shirt ) into that cesspool of sweatpants and red Solo cups…but, like his grandfather Bilbo Baggins before him, Bernan emerged from that lair an embiggened little man with the power to change the world.

That 96 Frosh Championship ring still fits.

At the time, Bernan was just a 115lb, orange-hair-having, boathouse-and-Under Armour-wearing freshman. The lessons learned in that capitalism-loving, beer-soaked basement would change Bernan forever, shaping his trademark “precocious curmudgeon” personality and giving wings to his wildest dreams of commercializing real estate and endlessly regurgitating TMQ via email to other members of the Triumvirate. It was only a matter of time before Bernan’s unique worldview would come to dominate much of Western thinking ( and Pick ‘Em legal precedent ) around the turn of the millennium.

Like Benjamin Button and Buddha before him, Bernan seemed somehow ageless...

What Bernan — much less the cadre of Baltimore historians currently employed by the rebel governments of third-world countries round the globe looking to avoid Charm City’s tragic fate — could not have foreseen, was the outsized impact Bernan would have on Baltimore’s most famous son since Edgar Allen. ( ed.; quoth the APT, “RIP”.)

Ray Lewis, at the time Bernan was losing his first game of Pong, was well on his way to becoming the greatest linebacker of all-time. But, he wasn’t happy. Something was missing. He had his minks. He would soon have his Defensive MVP, his Super Bowl Ring, his captaincy of the All-Decade Team, and his Full Moon Bar-B-Q. But, in the intervening years, as Bernan’s fame and influence grew, Ray realized  there was a hole in his own professional career that could only be filled by remaking himseif in the image of his hero. Ray knew what he needed to do.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

From the press release, “Applying the same intensity, dedication and focus to business as he has demonstrated in becoming one of the greatest linebackers in NFL history, Mr. Lewis has surrounded himself with outstanding, experienced commercial real estate professionals to launch and operate RL52 Realty.”

Suc-fucking-cess.

RL52 would soon call Bernan back from the glorious West Coast to spearhead some synergistic initiatives in burgeoning districts of Boothesda and Acrapolis. Bernan, for his part, would bring his antiquated attitudes towards sunken costs, the passing game and Fallacy Football, and Ray Ray would break a few knees, sock a few dingers, and toss the football around. A beautiful partnership was formed whose impact on the commercial real estate world, much less the 139th NFL Pick ‘Em Spectacular ( and, well, Saturn ), will be a developing story to watch all year long…

Much like Bernan, Ray Lewis don’t play Fantasy Football. He plays For-Real Football.

Week 1!

Thursday Night Favreball:

Min at New Orleans

Sun:

Den at Jax

ATL at Pit

Dal at Wash

Cincy at NE

OAK at Tenn

Mia at Buff

SF at Seattle

Monday Night:

Baltimore at NYJ

San Diego at KC

Win & You’re In: Good Luck Jersey/B and Baltimore!

Oakland, CA

The APT decided to travel out to Oakland for this special edition of Week 17, so sorry for the delay in getting the picks posted.  It has been quite a relief being away form Baltimore because I can finally show my face during the daytime without fear of revealing my identity to Poe enthusiasts.  It turns out people in Oakland do not have much interest in poetry, but they are a highly educated lot.

The APT finds this city very hospitable when the locals are not rioting.

Although the game will be blacked out on Sunday due to the NFL’s arcane policy which is designed to punish Baltimore fans living near or visiting Oakland who are afraid to venture into the Black Hole, the APT will find a way to take in the action of this crucial win and you’re in finale.

Hey-Bey's ride, purchased when he saw that the Ravens would take him in Don Banks's Mock Draft v7.0

With a day to kill in Oakland on Friday, the APT decided to further his understanding of the local culture.  After catching up with his favorite Maryland receiver who can now be seen sprinting up and down the field with his hands waving in the air at McAfee Coliseum, it was on to the finest institution of higher learning in all of Oakland.

With majors ranging from Jury Immunity to Horticulture to NAFTA studies, Oaksterdam offers something for everyone.  The APT encourages you to come see this wonderful burg for yourself next time your favorite pigskin team has a trap game against the Raiders.

Oakland's finest

Week 17

Indy @ Buf

Jac @ Cle

Chi @ Det

NE @ Hou

Pit @ Mia

Atl @ City of Tampa

Philly @ Dal

Bal @ Oak

Was @ SD

Cin @ NJ/B

Week 16: Get Down From There, Otter

Jesus-approved Friday Night Football: SD at Tenn

Oakland at Cleveland

HOU at The U

Jax at NE

Buff at ATL

Carolina at Giants

Balty at Pitt

Jets at Indy

Denver at Philly

Monday Night Football: Minn at Chi