Almost Midseason Awards (And Week 9 Games)

In what may be an annual tradition, the Anonymous Poe Toaster has decided to check in with his Almost Midseason Awards Section.

As midseason is upon us, questions abound.  Who may be the best team in football according to Peter King, maybe?  Is Lardarius Webb really too fast for his head to keep up with his body?  How much more film could Ed Reed possibly watch?  Is the Bronco Bubble finally starting to rear it’s ugly head?  Will the New York Football Giants be the next shoe to drop?

William “Bunk” Moreland Award for Dedicated Service.  Joe.  One of these years the APT will win the pool.  He tried moving in with his girlfriend and dedicating himself to daytime ESPN, but the results remain the same.  At the end of the day I think Bunk Moreland would say he was happier just being murder police than if he had ever become one of the bosses.  Runners Up:  The lone waitress at Final Final and the inanimate steel wire which holds together the Golden Gate Bridge.

 

 

 

At least Bunk is five and half years from a pension.

 

Ken Lewis Award.  Bruister.  For dedicated service to the Bank in helping them dispose of Countrywide assets; and for eschewing the $67,000 latrine for a $6.70 cabo chicken sandwich with free chips and a drink.  Runner Up:  Gault, for buying that beautiful damn latrine at the Sotheby’s auction with his father in law’s money.

The Grady Sizemore Award for Multi-Culturalism. Damo, for emigrating from Australia to learn about square “feet” and football.  Damo is the only guy in this pool who can accurately determine whether it’s a good decison to go for it on 4th and centimeters.  Runner Up:  Billy Bitter.

The NFL Rules Committee Five Yard Illegal Contact and Automatic First Down Award for Questionableness.  McKinley, for texting in his week 2 picks by saying only “give me all of the favorites” and then not picking in weeks 4-??  Runner Up:  Gault.  No one knows where they stand in this pool. We expected questionable math, slow response times and sloppiness, but he has underperformed even the lowest expectations.

The Gloria Vanderbilt Award for Graciousness. Caucasian Ray Lewis.  For hosting key wins against San Diego and Denver.  Well played.  Everyone was overserved, the AFC West was exposed for what it is, and for a brief moment all was good in the world.  Runner Up:  Betty Draper.

 

 

 

She's better to look at than White Ray, but his TV is way, way bigger.

 

Bill Gates Award for Microsoft Proficiency.  Big Red — Final Final patron, Cowboy Fan, Wireless Technology Connoisseur. For attempting to crank up his laptop at the bar for some live gambling week 1 through a dedicated combination of index finger keyboard strikes and puzzled wincing.  And then for calling Bodog (probably from the rotary bar phone) to lock in the half-time line of Ravens-Chiefs once he realized reports of this new technological frontier without wires were vastly overstated.  Runner Up:  Victor Ramos, our on-site IBM guy, for asking about the last time I deleted my cookies upon hearing that my hard drive crashed irreparably.  Seriously, Victor, do you think the APT, co-owner of a powerful blogging enterprise and morbid poetry enthusiast, doesn’t keep his cookies in order?

The Darrius Heyward-Bey Award for Auspicious Use of 4.3 Seconds.  Guv.  This guy instinctively takes the Ravens for 8 to 10 points every week, and that kind of dedication usually results in a big late season finish.  Runner Up:  Uncle Ray, for shooting the gap.  It’s crazy how much film he watches, man.

Now, the games.

Bal at Cincy

KC at Jax

GB at Tampa Bay

Miami at NE

Houston at Indy

AZ at Chi

Tenn at SF

SD at NYG

Dallas at Philly

Pitt at Denver

-Anon. Poe Toaster

Just Another Weekend at the Office…

Week 8: Like a Kid Out There

If diligently following the NFL since 1996 has taught me one thing, professionally, its that being good at your job is completely and totally overrated. What is most important is to have fun out there, performance and quotas and turnover ratio  be damned.

Which of these two hardworking men is going straight to the Hall of Fame?

And, if you can have fun out there while being old and white, you know — like the upper management and sportswriters and announcers who drool all over the keyboards and microphones while watching you — all the better.

The world is full of competent, capable, minorities who are willing to trade a hard day’s sweat for a fair wage, but really, they are probably illegal aliens and they should learn how to have fun at the office and stop taking themselves and their responsibilities so damn seriously all the time. In other words, as we long suspected, the real world is nothing at all like The Real World — it’s actually a hell of a lot like Office Space.

Dressed for Success: This is a Real Straight Shooter with Management Written All Over Him

Week 8!

Stumblin’ and Bumblin’ into Week 7

Ahh, growin’ up. One of the most difficult things about watching the years tick by is the realization that you will not, in fact, be a NFL superstar. And, hell, you won’t even become a MLL superstar. So, for what do we trade our childhood hopes and dreams?

Sadly, for most of us, only the realization that, as partially functioning adult members of society, we can eat bacon, Gummi Bears, and drink Olde English whenever we want. But, in leaner times, the money to purchase these luxuries isn’t always available. I contacted the Violence Corner Corner Store to see if the videotape of Gault sneakily slipping very expensive Charleston Chews into his jingly jangly cowboy boots was still available, but tragically, it’s been lost to time.

What did they send, however, was this video representation of what its like to be a member of this pool in week 7. It’s 11am. You’re wasted, completely lost, and your wallet, like your equilibrium, is nowhere to found. If only you could somehow get a million Bud Lights, you could make it through the day…

If you look closely at the 1:54 mark, you can see wisened pool veteran Bernan Adams Sr trying to prop the illustrious pool member up by its shoulder. Past results are, in fact, indicative of future performance.

Week 6: “Probably…”

As the wheels officially fell of the Ravens bandwagon after Ray Lewis’ miscalculated and completely unnecessary hit on Chad “don’t call me Ochenta y Cinco” Ochocinco in the final minutes of the game, I was surprised at the lack of remorse from Mr. Lewis.  I mean, the cornerstone of the defense arguably lost the game for his team.

I mean, we all hate the bengals helmets, but this is taking it too far

Even when asked if he expected to be fined, his response was “probably.”

So, the difference between being a good 4-1 team and a mediocre 3-2 team is “probably?”

I’m think probably is more appropriate in the following circumstances than single handedly losing to Cinci:

“Joe, do you expect to drop the ball on this weeks post?”

“Heritage, does the old man cheese spread at the NYAC give you the runs?”

“Damo, you’re going to go for less than $19.99, are you?”

“BA, will you swaddle your first child in Raven’s purple camo?”

“McKinley, if we ask you to pick’em next year, will you forget to pick prior to week 4 again?”

 

Bal at Vikes
Gints at Saints
Arizona at Seattle,
Carolina at TB,
Houston at Cincy,
KC at Wash,
St Louis at Jax,
Iggles at Oak
Chicago at Atlanta – SNF
Denver at SD – MNF

Week 5: California Schemin’

The general superiority of San Francisco over New York is a truth universally acknowledged. From the generous stock options and severance packages to the endless stream of sunny days, pool partays, girls in bikinis,  and guys with martinis, it’s clear that those of us with the foresight to make the journey west are living the good life.

But, sometimes it’s important to take a walk* through the neighborhood and consider my good fortune.

Ahem…check this out

I’m the luckiest pick em picker ever lived, spend life rooting for a team I love
Got the world’s most ferocious D and don’t nobody do it like Guv
Sunday morning in the dank, drink cheap beer and watch Ed Reed
Sometimes got to change that scene, skip the game and just bump Ali
Plus got laid off last year, so glad to leave that it ain’t even fair
Already got a gig, gon’ make it a career, flippin’ the script like the shade of Zuck’s hair
Not two years ago I’s a salesman, I mean slanging from a cube at salesforce
Now I’m showin’ on the tube with Ghost Town, signed a contract and make my own shit
‘member me, workin’ on the ‘kiss scene’?, I still can’t believe that that was me
Like “c’mon Hav, hurry up let’s try to write dialogue like Jeff Tweedy“
Ha, and shit what can I say? I would have made these damn posts anyway
Some of y’all still read em everyday, beautiful thing, I bow my hand and pray

I love the life I live…

Picks after the jump.

There’s a new England? Week 4, Yerp!

In keeping with the ever-growing anticipation of the Hardly Strictly Bluecrab Festival, The Anonymous Poe Toaster has decided to enamor you with a new song to the tune of Steve Earle’s Guitar Town.

Note:  Mr. Earle and the Bluegrass Dukes will be on the Banjo stage starting at 6:45 PM on Saturday in GGP.

Blue Crab Town

Hey Lombardi are you ready for me?
It’s your big swingin’ backer up from Russell Street
I’m just out of Boston bound for Brady’s home
With the radio blastin’ and the skull cap on

There’s a speed trap up ahead in Steeler town
But no gimpy blockers gonna slow me down
Cam and the boys got this rig unwound
And we’ve come a thousand miles from a blue crab town

Everybody told me you can’t get far
With thirty-seven cousins and an Eastern Motors car
Now I’m rollin’ into Canton with the hammer down
Left a trail of broken runners in the blue crab town

Gotta keep hittin’ while I still can
Payin’ off two baby mamas and a restaurant scam
But when my cleats hit the turf I’m a brand new man
Line me up at running back, cagey Cam!

Hey Lombardi we’ll see you at Landshark
Brett Favre’s vision will suddenly go dark
One of these days I’m gonna settle down
And take you back with me to the blue crab town

Footage from last year's festival indicates that sipping warm Tecate is an appropriate answer to outward displays of wedded bliss by Pick'em champions

The games?

Oak @ Hou

Ten @ Jax

Bal @ NE

Cin @ Cle

TB @ Was

Jets @ NO

Buf @ Mia

Dal @ Den

SD @ Pit

GB @ Min

Hardly Strictly Week 3

The Anonymous Poe Toaster checks in with a week 3 jingle, to the tune of “L.A. Freeway”

Pack up all your run plays, make note of ol’ Hal-oh-teh

Say goodbye to Brady for me, those Popeye arms don’t scare Twen-ty

Throw out that ol’ Plain Dealer, Browns been gone for fourteen years now

Adios to Man-gini, this ain’t no A.F.C. East cupcake

 

If we could just get out o’ that Browns game without gettin’ what they got

We’ll be Three and Oh for a trip . . . to Kraft’s big ol’ mall . . .

If we could just get out o’ that Browns game without gettin’ stabbed or shot

Up to see the GQ Quarterback . . . and why not buy some slacks?

 

Week 3 Games

Tenn at Jets
Browns at Balty
Broncos at Raiders
GMen at Bucs
Steelers at Bengals
Jags at Texans
Atlanta at NE
Chi at Seattle
Sunday Night Hangover Football:  Colts at Cards
Monday Night Sadness Football:  Carolina at Dallas

-Mayor Luke Ravenstahl

Of Time and the River, A Legend of Man’s Hunger for Week 2

The inexorable march of time – much like the graying of Zuck’s hair – rolls on in 2009. We’ve come a long way since our humble beginnings as an email chain dominated by nonsensical ramblings from Bernan and Baumer coupled with Gawful’s wobbly spreadsheet.

Incredible advances in blogging and math-doing technology have enabled us, like the Madden Curse, to become smaller and more efficient. The proliferation of social-networking applications have us feeeling closer and more connected to our friends than ever.

Welcome to America, New Guy...you'll do well here...

But, even with all those changes, we’re Still Pick ‘Em:

Pick ‘em is the game, Rules? Let’s keep em the same

Still bout Super Bowls, still Xs and Os                                                                                                                                                                      Still, not loving field goals ( uh huh )                                                                                                                                                                  Still rock our khakis with a belt and some pleats                                                                                                                                             And we still got love for the streets! repping 4-1-0

Still...making jokes only he finds funny

Week 2 Games:

NO at PHI
OAK at KC
NE at Jets
TB at BUF,
SEA at SF
Balty at SD
Pit at CHI
Cle at Den

SNF:
NYG at Dallas
MNF:
IND at MIA

Week One – Terrible Towels are Terrible

The folks over at Direct TV think it’s a great promotional idea to be handing out these very scratchy, poorly printed towels to remind everybody that 1) football season is here, and 2) you can watch it on Direct TV.

Now, I know the midtown Manhattan lunch crowd is a diverse bunch (street meat options include halal, kosher, korean, mexican, and bbq delicacies…) and promoting your wares is important.  But this marketing campaign is directly targeted to the 18 – 35 year old male crowd who likes football.  But do they really need to be reminded that “It’s Rally Time?”

Nope

How many of these guys can attach a Direct TV Dish out there very small apartment window in a SSW direction for proper reception?

None

And how many will choose to go to a local bar to watch the games where your only expenses are wings and behrs for your face.

All

Who can say no to the Bar Coastal talent? Actually...

Plus, the ladies handing out the towels were, well, not attractive and wearing too revealing clothing.  That is the real problem at hand.  Not good.

The games:

Thursday:
Tenn at Pittsburgh

Sunday:
Baltimore at KC
Philly at Carolina
Jets at Houston
Denver at Cincy
Miami at Atl
Bears at Packers
Vikings at Browns

MNF:
Buff at New England
SD at OAK